Jokes

[Sage]

Hey look it's Nary's mom.

[G.K.]

The French are exectuing an Englishman, an American and an Irishman. The Englishman is brought to the guillotine. It fails to chop his head off. The French say, "Eet iz the vill of God. You may go free". The American is brought to the guillotine. It fails to chop his head off. The French say, "Eet iz the vill of God. You may go free". Then the Irishman is brought to the guillotine. He sudenly points and says, "Hold on a second, I see what's wrong with your guillotine!"

[Resetti's Replicas]

[Reier]

Wow the Riddler really let himself go since the 60s Batman....

[frezal]

Wow the Riddler really let himself go since the 60s Batman....

That's what happens when people let Joel Schumacher direct movies.

[TeamXtreemer]

*facepalm*

[somestrangeguy]

Cant be more true than this:

[Madiaba]

    "Stella Awards"
 
 
This theme is sort of funny, but sad in a way too:
 
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for this past year 2009:

*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was HER OWN SON.

Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when HE WAS TRYING TO STEAL his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company CLAIMING UNDUE MENTAL ANGUISH. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..


*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: MS. CARSON HAD THROWN IT AT HER BOYFRIEND 30 SECONDS EARLIER DURING AN ARGUMENT. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....


*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was TRYING TO SNEAK THROUGH THE LADIES ROOM WINDOW TO AVOID PAYING THE $3.50 COVER CHARGE, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Drawing blood yet?


Ok, Here we go!!* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly LEFT thedriver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

[Squirrel_Monkey]

^^^WIN^^^ (Seen it before though)

[G.K.]

LOL

[somestrangeguy]

I had heard a few of tohse before but still:
O...M...F...G!!
Why do people with no brain or thinking ability exist? >_<

[frezal]

http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp

[Madiaba]

Thanks, Frezal.  I personally know of 2 of these kind of absurd legal actions here in MA. 
These were from an email I got this morn and was too lazy to check each one out.

This guy IS legit  :

[frezal]

If I saw a guy with a sign like that, I would give him a couple of bucks.

[inplabth]

It’s common knowledge that the greater and more vital an empire is, the grander and more stylish their haircuts. The ceasars…

What the hell? Clippy? Where did you come from? What is this, 1995?

Oh… god… dammit.

No, listen man: I’ve got work to do here, I’ve got a headache that would wound a god and you’re breaking my flow. Can you just, I don’t know, **** off for a while?

Ahh, fine. Yes, I suppose I would.

...what?

Hey, man, I’m sorry to hear th–

OK! Jesus. I get it. You can stay; just keep out of my way, alright?

You uppity little bastard. I swear to Christ if you don’t knock it off I’ll goddamn delete you.

You wouldn’t.

OK! You can… just do whatever, man. I’ve got to get back to work here. Just try not to be too intrusive. Where was I? Oh, right…


The Caesars ruled most of the known Earth in their day, and the rigid, firm lines of iron discipline in the Caesar Cut reflects this trend-

GODDAMMIT THAT IS IT.

Oh no, Clippy. I’m not going to take you out. You’re totally right. I can’t touch you. But what’s this? What are these subroutines here? C:/Windows/Programs/MS_word/Clippy/Family?

Your daughter, little Clippette, your boy, Clippy, Jr., even your wife Wendy is here. Funny, I’ve never seen them around. Must not be vital to the program, eh?

What was that? I’m sorry, I was away for a second. Doing some cleanup.

I just deleted your wife. Oh, and what’s that? Clippy, Jr.’s, file is corrupted? Little Clippette’s too? Oh, that’s just terrible. Clippy, it… it looks like you’ve got two mentally handicapped kids to take care of now.

I did it, Clippy. I retarded your kids. Are you strong enough for that, Clippy? Are you strong enough to raise two motherless special needs children? Are you strong enough to take care of them, every moment of every day for the rest of their lives? Are you strong enough to do it alone? Are you strong enough to look into their faces and not see the love you lost?


Ouch. Rookie move, Clippy. Everybody knows you’re supposed to go through the mouth for a sure kill. Do I have to finish this for you?

N’gggyleth kkkul N’kkul N’gggyleth Wattqawa Cthulhu! Ry’leth Avk Rttleh Cthulhu!

CTHULHU TKKE TKKE N’GGGYLETH CTHULU CLIPPY!




Right. So. Where was I again?

[Naryar]

^^ WIN ^^

Mad's Stella awards is quite funny as well

[Naryar]

[Squirrel_Monkey]

(Image removed from quote.)

Oh noes!

[System32]

Oh noes!

Pfft. It's just the alternate title for Myst.

[Badnik96]