Author Topic: Jokes (Read 211050 times)

Sparkey98 · « **Reply #1440 on:** January 10, 2010, 05:00:07 PM »

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist. Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!) Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?" Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

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Sparkey98 · « **Reply #1441 on:** January 10, 2010, 05:10:08 PM »

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close

Madiaba · « **Reply #1442 on:** January 10, 2010, 05:17:17 PM »

This one's for you, ACAMS. I dealt with LRA2....

Oh, yea, a funny truism:

Serge · « **Reply #1443 on:** January 10, 2010, 05:21:49 PM »

Quote from: Madiaba on January 10, 2010, 05:17:17 PM

This one's for you, ACAMS. I dealt with LRA2....

Since this is a Joke thread: Make ma a mod and I'll deal with him by myself!

ACAMS · « **Reply #1444 on:** January 10, 2010, 06:32:41 PM »

Quote from: Madiaba on January 10, 2010, 05:17:17 PM

This one's for you, ACAMS. I dealt with LRA2....

You know me......when I deal it I will want to use a dull skinning knife and a box of rock salt!

So, he better slow down!

frezal · « **Reply #1445 on:** January 11, 2010, 06:33:51 PM »

Tip for Sparkles: Chuck Norris jokes haven't been funny in ages. Come on, man! Get with the times! This is the '90s!

Jonzu95 · « **Reply #1446 on:** January 12, 2010, 05:58:16 AM »

Finnish ragetoon
http://irc-galleria.net/user/%5BFirestarter%5D/picture/115026617

Sparkey98 · « **Reply #1447 on:** January 12, 2010, 03:16:37 PM »

that is the creepyest thing I've ever seen

Naryar · « **Reply #1448 on:** January 13, 2010, 06:06:59 AM »

Must get one of these

Pwnator · « **Reply #1449 on:** January 17, 2010, 05:01:53 AM »

Where's SSG when we're all bored?

Anyway...

Stagfish · « **Reply #1450 on:** January 17, 2010, 05:05:21 AM »

Quote from: Naryar on January 13, 2010, 06:06:59 AM

Must get one of these

(Image removed from quote.)

a ragetoon t-shirt!

somestrangeguy · « **Reply #1451 on:** January 17, 2010, 06:19:09 AM »

You called?
Unfortunately I only have 1 pictures for now, hopefully its enough.

I had anotherone but it wouldn show up and neither would the link to it work.

Naryar · « **Reply #1452 on:** January 17, 2010, 06:47:29 AM »

Quote from: The Joke Demon on January 17, 2010, 06:19:09 AM

WHO DARES TO DISTURB MY SLEEP ?

XD

Only thing i have here is yet another ragetoon

Pwnator · « **Reply #1453 on:** January 17, 2010, 07:30:18 AM »

Madiaba · « **Reply #1454 on:** January 17, 2010, 09:00:49 AM »

LOL... *oops*

Badnik96 · « **Reply #1455 on:** January 17, 2010, 09:12:51 AM »

Quote from: Naryar on January 17, 2010, 06:47:29 AM

Quote from: The Joke Demon on January 17, 2010, 06:19:09 AM
WHO DARES TO DISTURB MY SLEEP ?

XD

Only thing i have here is yet another ragetoon

(Image removed from quote.)

There's a ragetoon on one of Team Despair's LW's in NAR AI. Forget what it's called, though.

Naryar · « **Reply #1456 on:** January 17, 2010, 10:27:28 AM »

Torment. That needs to be updated and i have something better than a ragetoon...

There's one on FnF as well and i should put one on Eclipse as well since it cant self right.

Sparkey98 · « **Reply #1457 on:** January 17, 2010, 10:31:34 AM »

lol a rage bot
I thought I was first

090901 · « **Reply #1458 on:** January 17, 2010, 12:59:34 PM »

It's such a fail, it's funny.

Sparkey98 · « **Reply #1459 on:** January 17, 2010, 01:06:46 PM »

what's you're problem with me?
I wiped that thing up in 30 sec. just to say I did
check out my MSP showcase for real MSP bots