Jokes

[Hydro]

white bread?

if so: YOU RACIST BUFFOON.

[Weirdo]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."

[tankcat]

Why did the black man with a peg leg cross the road?

Because the pedestrian crosswalk light was green, and his destination was on the other side.

[ACAMS]

Why did the black man with a peg leg cross the road?
 
Because he thought somebody dropped a crack rock on the other side.

 
OK.....fixed.

[Hydro]

"No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."

EW EW EW EW EW EW... now i'm disturbed...

[Naryar]

[Hydro]

click, hows dsl3 going?!!!

[SpyGuy]

@TankCat: Study more in the ways of comedians, you must.  Andrew Dice Clay, Sam Kinison, Rixhard Pryor ... all shall be revealed to you.

@Hydro: Take it easy - it was adult humor.  When you hit puberty, you'll understand ....


Why did the black man wear a suit to his vasectomy?

'Cuz if'n he was gonna BE impotent, he was gonna LOOK impotent ....

[Hydro]

lol. thats a good one, sg.

[SpyGuy]

No, that's an old one.  THIS is a good one:


So, this guy and his wife are getting ready for bed, and the wife says, "Honey, you forgot to turn the light out in the garage again."

"No, I turned it out when I came in," he replied.

"I don't think you did, because it's on now," she says.

Sure enough, when the man looks outside, the garage light is on.  He also sees shadowy figures running back and forth from the garage to the hedge.  "We're being robbed!" the man says.

He picks up the phone and calls the police.  "Hello, police?  Listen, my place is being robbed!  Someone broke into my garage, and is out there right now stealing stuff.  If you send someone out right away, you can catch them in the act."

The dispatcher says, "Sir, we have no units available at the time.  The safest thing to do would be to lock yourself indoors and remain out of sight, and we'll send a unit in the morning to take the report."

"But my garage is being robbed right NOW!" the flustered man says.  "Send a unit out, and you can catch them all red-handed!"

"Sir, I'm sorry, but we have no units available at this time.  The safest thing to do would be to lock your doors and stay inside."

"All right," the man sighs, and hangs up.  He waits a couple of minutes, then calls the police again.

"Hi, this is the guy who called a couple of minutes ago about the guys breaking into my garage.  Listen, don't worry about sending out a patrol car tonight.  I went out there with my shotgun, and blew them all away.  You guys can pick up the bodies in the morning - they're not going anywhere.  Thanks, and good night."  Click.

About two minutes later, eighteen units converge on the guy's house, lights and sirens blasting.  A SWAT van screeches up and begins unloading, and a helicoptor joins in, circling the area with its spotlight.  Of course, the police catch the bandits red-handed, and arrest them all.

As the bandits are being led off in cuffs, one of the officers glares at the homeowner and says, "I thought you said you shot and killed them all."

The man looks back and calmly replies, "And when I called, I thought your dispatcher said there were no units available."

[Hydro]

wow. thats funny.

a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a Canadian joke. the bartender replies " i'm a Canadian. that big guy two your left is a Canadian, as is the one to your right." the man looks at them, and turns back to the bartender and says "ok, i'll say it slowly then."

[Somebody]

@SG I've heard that before, but its one of my favorite jokes :-D

[ACAMS]

JOKE?.......I thought he was from my home town.....that is about the way they REALLY are.
 Somebody broke into my house in 07 and stole my guns and such, anyway I found one of my guns out of state and they told me there was nothing they could do about it!!!!!
That may be why it is now LEGAL for me to go outside and KILL theives stealing my property in my yard (only after dark) it used to be I could only kill them inside my house, but now if they are stealing my lawn chair I can blast them (after dark).

[Hydro]

good. those sons of bitches deserve a shotgun blast to the back of the head.

[Sage]

A man walks into a bar and says ow.

[Condor33]

ACAMS and Hydro:

Murder>thievery.  Bad idea.

[Weirdo]

Button injured in terrible F1 crash.

[Urjak]

Nice one Weirdo!

[Hydro]

A man walks into a bar and says ow.

a bar or a bar spinner? the latter would make more sence :-D

[Naryar]

Captain Obvious ftw.