Author Topic: Jokes (Read 148640 times)

ACAMS · « **on:** February 09, 2008, 06:22:50 PM »

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!

The Government announced today that it is changing it's emblem from an Eagle

To a Condom

Because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next gereration,
protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of secutity while you're
actually being screwed!

RA2lover · « **Reply #1 on:** February 10, 2008, 12:47:33 PM »

This made me laugh out REALLY loud for a long while...

Meganerdbomb · « **Reply #2 on:** February 10, 2008, 04:01:41 PM »

Two cannibals are eating a clown when one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Or did you hear the one about the cannibal that threw up his arms....?

ACAMS · « **Reply #3 on:** February 16, 2008, 03:22:47 PM »

Scrap Daddy · « **Reply #4 on:** February 27, 2008, 09:44:22 PM »

this made me laugh.

ACAMS · « **Reply #5 on:** March 02, 2008, 06:13:56 PM »

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

ACAMS · « **Reply #6 on:** March 02, 2008, 06:20:44 PM »

ACAMS · « **Reply #7 on:** March 06, 2008, 11:41:52 AM »

ACAMS · « **Reply #8 on:** March 09, 2008, 10:20:58 PM »

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has hisbreakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he ask s his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, No.
Johnny asks, Do you know what I think? His mom replies, I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Are Fred and Mary up yet? She replies, No!
Johnny says, Do you know what I think? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, Are Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. He asks, Do you know what I think?
His mom replies, Ok, now tell me what you think?
He says: Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.

Naryar · « **Reply #9 on:** March 25, 2008, 06:41:23 PM »

Haha the airplane glue... Nice one, really nice one.

Now to be more "classic":

A Hindu, a critic and a rabbi are travelling together. The night comes, and the rain too. So the three decide to go to the nearest farm, and there ask the farmer for hospitality.

The farmer says: No problem, you can stay here for the night, but I've got only room for two, so one of yours must sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says: "I'll go. A little hardship is nothing to me."
The hindu goes, but five minutes later, the door opens, and it's him.
"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn. Cows are sacred animals in my religion, and I would'nt disturb their sleep"
The rabbi says: "Very well, I'll go"
The rabbi goes, but five minutes later, the door opens, and it's him.
"I'm sorry, but there is a pig in the barn. Pigs are impure animals for me, and I must not sleep near a pig"
The critic says: "All right, I'll go!"
The critic goes, and five minutes later , the door opens...
It was the pig and the cow.

ACAMS · « **Reply #10 on:** March 29, 2008, 10:55:53 AM »

Death Row in Women's Prison

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

Naryar · « **Reply #11 on:** March 29, 2008, 12:28:19 PM »

Niiice.
To destroy blondes again:

A blonde goes at the hairdresser's. There, she asks the hairdresser to cut her hair.
Hairdresser: "I'm sorry madam, but you have a walkman. You must take off the earphones or I fear I could cut them off"
Blonde, terrified: "No no. This is a question of life and death! I can't!"
Hairdresser: "But... I must..."
Blonde: "No, I can't"

The hairdresser begins his work. Minutes later, as we can guess, the scissors cut accidentally one of the earphones. The blonde stops breathing, and quickly suffocate.

The hairdresser wonders what happened. He takes the other earphone, still working, and listens.

"Inhale...Exhale...Inhale...Exhale..."

RA2lover · « **Reply #12 on:** May 22, 2008, 09:46:31 AM »

bumpster.

Naryar · « **Reply #13 on:** May 22, 2008, 10:22:24 AM »

Niiiice!

I have another one: in fact, this little discussion happened on a French chat room.

Theodoric: I just wonder what's your name
adrien: Call me my lord and saviour :)
Theodoric: :/ this is long
adrien: eeh, then... god?
Theodoric: this is taken
adrien: sh**
Theodoric: this is free

modder TY · « **Reply #14 on:** May 22, 2008, 05:06:06 PM »

^ Lol!
Ok, let me think.. Its been a while since I've told this joke

2 blondes go for a road trip, the driver starts speedign and a cop turns on the lights, the driving blonde asks "is thats cops light on?" the passenger replys "yes, no, yes, no, dang this cop must be drunk!"
thent he blonde pulls over, and when the cop (another blonde) comes to the car the driver asks "are you drunk?!" the cop says "No, I need to see your drivers licance." riving blonde looks through her purse and says "I can't find it" the cop says "its the thing with your face on it" the driver blond then pulls out a mirror, looks into ti and gives it to the cop, then the cop says "Why didin't you tell me you where a cop, I wouldin't of pulled you over!"

Long I know, but that's because I merged to jokes together to make this one.

Scrap Daddy · « **Reply #15 on:** May 22, 2008, 06:38:31 PM »

Whats the difference beetween a jewish person and a canou?.......A canou tips.....

kill343gs · « **Reply #16 on:** May 22, 2008, 07:49:23 PM »

Quote from: Naryar;7057

Niiice.
To destroy blondes again:

A blonde goes at the hairdresser's. There, she asks the hairdresser to cut her hair.
Hairdresser: "I'm sorry madam, but you have a walkman. You must take off the earphones or I fear I could cut them off"
Blonde, terrified: "No no. This is a question of life and death! I can't!"
Hairdresser: "But... I must..."
Blonde: "No, I can't"

The hairdresser begins his work. Minutes later, as we can guess, the scissors cut accidentally one of the earphones. The blonde stops breathing, and quickly suffocate.

The hairdresser wonders what happened. He takes the other earphone, still working, and listens.

"Inhale...Exhale...Inhale...Exhale..."

It's actually supposed to be "BREATH IN, BREATH OUT, BREATH IN, BREATH OUT" like that song.

Venko · « **Reply #17 on:** May 23, 2008, 07:40:19 AM »

https://gametechmods.com/uploads/files/FUN.rar

Unrar this flash movie, you need winrar and newest flashplayer (9 i think?!...).
Watch it and comment here is he funny...

:lol:

Naryar · « **Reply #18 on:** May 23, 2008, 08:21:54 AM »

This post is supposed to be about sucking?

SpyGuy · « **Reply #19 on:** May 23, 2008, 10:14:45 PM »

ACAMS, RE: Fred and Mary ....

There once was a young couple from Delhi,
Who were forced to walk belly to belly,
For in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
---------------------------------------------------
Okay, SO ...

This cowboy and a biker are on Death Row together. The warden comes in and says, "Boys, both of you are going to ride Ol' Sparky tomorrow, but I've decided to grant you both a last request."

Turning to the cowboy, the warden asks, "Son, what would your last request be?"

The cowboy thinks for a moment, then drawls, "Well, suh, b'fore I go ridin' off into the Great Beyond, it would do my heart good to hear 'The Achy Breaky heart' just one more time."

The warden nods and says, "All right, I can do that for you."

Turning to the biker, he asks, "And what would you last request be, son?"

Without hesitation, the biker says, "Kill me first."
------------------------------------------------
Father Grumpy used to be the priest at my Catholic church. His name wasn't really "Father Grumpy," but he was called that because he would kind of grumble and mumble his way through the Sunday service. After a while, the congregation learned where the correct responses were during a normal service, and would answer appropriately.

Well, one day, Father Grumpy went up to the pulpit at the start of the service, not knowing that someone had been testing the sound equipment for the church earlier, and had accidentally left the microphone turned on. He laid down his prayer book, and began fiddling with the mike, trying to adjust it and turn it on while the congregation waited. After a few moments, he grumbled, "There's something wrong with this microphone."

And the congregation responded, "And also with you!"