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Click here for rankings.(10/18) The finals are up!
Synopsis:
--FINALS--
Enfilad3 vs. Hazardous Contraption
Dude, it's the finals. Go watch them if you want to know what happens.
--ROUND 9--
Hazardous Contraption vs. Diarrhea Of A Madman
The bot that wins this fight goes on to fight Enfilad3 for the championship, so you can bet neither of them will give up easily. Diarrhea Of A Madman gets under Hazardous Contraption right away in the first round and immediately kicks it into the corner. There, it takes a bit of effort to juggle Hazardous Contraption over the wall, but eventually DOAM does it for a TKO. The second round begins with Hazardous Contraption speeding behind DOAM as it comes around the corner of the center wall. Caught by surprise by this ambush, DOAM is unable to turn and bring its wedges to bear, allowing Hazardous Contraption to get under and begin chewing DOAM. However, despite DOAM's paper-thin chassis armor, it survives the attack long enough to give Hazardous Contraption's plow a good whack, which catapults DOAM off of Hazardous Contraption and into the wall. Unfortunately, from that point its weapon catapults it again out of the arena. In the tiebreaking third round, Hazardous Contraption is able to get under DOAM without any sneaky tricks like in the second round. Taking a tip from that last fight, it pushes DOAM into the wall, where DOAM's weapon catapults itself straight up into the air. When it comes down, it gives Hazardous Contraption one last spiteful smack before flinging itself out of the arena. Hazardous Contraption wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; Diarrhea Of A Madman gets 1 TKO.
Like you probably are, I wondered what would have happened if Diarrhea Of A Madman didn't make that fatal mistake in round 2. So I found out. The result was the same: a TKO for Hazardous Contraption. No tricks necessary to get under DOAM.
--ROUND 8--
Ham-mer Sandwich 2 vs. Hazardous Contraption
I propose a new nickname for Naryar: "Comeback Guy". Just when you think he's doomed, he somehow manages to pull victory from the jaws of defeat. If we keep seeing fights like Red, Red, Green? and now this one, Hazardous Contraption will be climbing all the way up the loser's bracket and taking the Champion's Sword from Enfilad3. In the first round, Hazardous Contraption gets off to a good start when Ham-mer Sandwich's skirts get snagged on the center wall, exposing its side. Then it's another typical push-and-grind-until-dead exercise for Hazardous Contraption... until it gets flipped in an amazing maneuver by Ham-mer Sandwich. As Ham-mer Sandwich is self-righting, one of its hammers catches under Hazardous Contraption's rear stabilizer skirt, lifting it up and over as Ham-mer Sandiwch lands back on its wheels. When Ham-mer Sandwich starts pounding on the helpless Hazardous Contraption's vulnerable underside, it looks like now Ham-mer Sandwich is guaranteed the win and Hazardous Contraption is doomed. But NO! There's yet another amazing comeback as Ham-mer Sandwich flips Hazardous Contraption back over with a few poorly-placed hammer blows. Having suffered only minor damage so far, Hazardous Contraption is then able to do what it did at the beginning of this fight--and this time there's no surprise flips. After turning the fight around 360 degrees, Hazardous Contraption claims a KO. Compared to that back-and-forth, edge-of-your-seat first round, the next two fights are disappointingly short and one sided and hardly worth mention. Hazardous Contraption pushes Ham-mer Sandwich to the wall, flips it, and as Ham-mer Sandwich tries to self-right, it launches itself off of Hazardous Contraption and over the wall. The second and third fights are eerily similar to each other, almost exact move-for-move replays, both ending in a TKO for Hazardous Contraption. Hazardous Contraption wins 3-0 with 1 KO and 2 TKO's.
--ROUND 7--
Enfilad3 vs. Diarrhea Of A Madman
Diarrhea Of A Madman quickly loses the first fight after failing to turn fast enough to keep Enfilad3 off its flank. Safe from DOAM's weapon, Enfilad3 has an easy shot at hitting its weak chassis armor. It's hard to say who might have won had DOAM not made that blunder, and it becomes no clearer in the back-and-forth struggle of the next two rounds. First Enfilad3 gets under DOAM, but DOAM still strikes it with its weapon and punts it away. Before DOAM can take advantage of the hapless Enfilad3, however, Enfilad3 self-rights and gets under DOAM again, this time avoiding the weapon long enough to score a one-hit KO. DOAM starts off strong in the third round, kicking Enfilad3 halfway across the arena on the first hit, but once again Enfilad3 swiftly recovers and gets under DOAM. It's looking like a clean sweep for Enfilad3 when it throws DOAM into the center blade, but miraculously, the blade chucks DOAM in such a way that it lands back on its wheels with its wedges facing Enfilad3. Enfilad3 charges DOAM again and gets under it again, but somehow ends up tipping backwards as it pushes DOAM's wedges under DOAM. DOAM is the first to recover now, and is quick enough to throw Enfilad3 over the wall. Enfilad3 wins 2-1 with 2 KO's; Diarrhea Of A Madman gets 1 TKO.
Iron Spaghetti vs. Ham-mer Sandwich 2
To be honest, I don't think a spaghetti-and-ham sandwich sounds very tasty. And neither is this fight--it has to be restarted more times than an old lawnmower being pushed through a tall-grass prairie. First, Ham-mer Sandwich gets stuck on top of a piece of its own hammer and immobilized, which warrants a free restart, but that's only the tip of the iceberg. Every time Ham-mer Sandwich breaks Iron Spaghetti's shell (which inevitably happens in every fight), the axle-covered shell creates such a massive Havok explosion that Ham-mer Sandwich is, some way or another, flung out of the arena. What should be a 3-0 sweep with 3 KO's for Ham-mer Sandiwch turns into a purely technical win as Iron Spaghetti is forced to forfeit due to Havok explosions. Well, not PURELY technical: in the third fight, in the second restart after Iron Spaghetti has already exploded once, Ham-mer Sandwich FINALLY manages to stay inside the arena after being thrown by a small Havok explosion. Having gotten past the critical shell-breaking point, Ham-mer Sandwich easily tracks down Iron Spaghetti and gives it what it should have gotten in the first round. It's not all bad for the bots, though: Iron Spaghetti denies Ham-mer Sandwich two KO's by exploding, while Ham-mer Sandwich gets the chance to prove it could even win 7-0 if it had to. Ham-mer Sandwich 2 wins 3-0 with 1 KO.
Red, Red, Green? vs. Hazardous Contraption
It looks like Red, Red, Green? has a guaranteed win after it gets under Hazardous Contraption and begins juggling it all over the arena, but the instant Hazardous Contraption's wheels touch the floor, it turns the fight completely around. Now it's Hazardous Contraption's turn to juggle RRG, and RRG doesn't get a second chance. Hazardous Contraption gets under Red, Red, Green? right away in the second round, and there's no comebacks this time. The third round is Red, Red, Green? again, and this time it manages to keep Hazardous Contraption in the air longer, but Hazardous Contraption still somehow manages to make a comeback, even with both drive motors pouring smoke and its rear balance skirt ripped off. Even so crippled, Hazardous Contraption is a tough bot to get away from once it's under you. Hazardous Contraption wins 3-0 with 3 KO's.
--ROUND 6--
Enfilad3 vs. Hazardous Contraption
Hazardous Contraption gets a perfect shot at Enfilad3's flank at the beginning of the first round, but somehow, instead of getting under Enfilad3, Hazardous Contraption catapults over it and lands with its back exposed. It seems almost as if Enfilad3 planned the whole ruse as it seizes the opportunity to get under Hazardous Contraption and KO it with that lethal popup weapon. Hazardous Contraption has no such trouble in the second round, sliding right under Enfilad3 every time the bots collide head-on. After a single free restart for Enfilad3, Hazardous Contraption secures a KO. Hazardous Contraption clearly has the better wedge in this fight, but the tie-breaking last round ultimately comes down to driving and not wedginess. Hazardous Contraption is narrow and squirrely enough that Enfilad3 has little trouble sneaking around the wedges and lifting one corner to get under. After that, the fight is reminiscent of the first fight and ends with a KO for Enfilad3. Enfilad3 wins 2-1 with 2 KO's; Hazardous Contraption gets 1 KO.
Ham-mer Sandwich vs. Diarrhea Of A Madman
Ham-mer Sandwich just isn't well suited for fighting vertical spinners. Every time it gets a chance to fire its weapon, it can only hit DOAM's weapon, which in turn gives DOAM the leverage necessary to begin juggling Ham-mer Sandwich. That Diarrhea Of A Madman can easily slip under Ham-mer Sandwich's front skirts certainly doesn't help any either. Each of the three short fights end with Ham-mer Sandwich landing outside the arena in some way or another, and in the last fight it's even hung on the fence by its hammer like laundry out to dry. Diarrhea Of A Madman wins 3-0 with 3 TKO's.
Layziee vs. Iron Spaghetti
We already saw in round 1 how this fight goes: Layziee needs to toss Iron Spaghetti out of the arena within 30 or 40 seconds, or else its weapon will break and the fight will become a hopeless pushing contest. Layziee doesn't even come close to succeeding in the first round, and is forced to endure two minutes of punishment before time finally runs out. It's worth noting, however, that Layziee does an impressive job of repeatedly getting Iron Spaghetti into the center blade, though not quite impressive enough for a win. Layziee comes extremely close to a TKO in the second round, getting Iron Spaghetti up to the edge of the fence a few times and also taking off a wheel, but the weapon still ends up breaking before Layziee can put Iron Spaghetti in serious trouble. Once again, Layziee takes Iron Spaghetti on a few trips to the blade, but this amounts to no more than a token resistance in the final score. After two full-length fights, it's a relief when the last fight is over quickly: Layziee sends Iron Spaghetti over the wall in less than 30 seconds. Iron Spaghetti wins 2-1 with 2 WBP; Layziee gets 1 TKO.
Smitemare 8 vs. Red, Red, Green?
This fight can be summed up in a single word: OWNAGE. Red, Red, Green? dominates every fight, never letting Smitemare land a single hit or get under RRG even once. The first fight is over after RRG takes Smitemare on a box-long slam into the wall, and Smitemare's own weapon catapults it into the air for a TKO. The second fight is more drawn-out and violent, ending with RRG KO'ing a one-wheeled, one-skirted Smitemare. And the third fight goes like the first, just in a slightly less spectacular fashion. Red, Red, Green? wins 3-0 with 1 KO and 2 TKO's.
--ROUND 5--
Haymaker vs. Layziee
For the most part, Haymaker remains stable as it harmlessly knocks aside Layziee's charges. Key word: "Most". All it takes is one well-directed hit by Layziee to send Haymaker flying and tumbling, and with that nigh-impregnable front armor on Layziee, it's bound to happen sooner or later. Haymaker still does an impressive job of keeping itself in the arena--it never flies out on its own--but with the additional stress of Layziee's vertical blade, it's too much and Haymaker is tipped over the wall. The first fight goes this way, as does the second after Layziee flips itself and is just barely righted in time to avoid immobility. Layziee isn't so lucky in the third fight, however. Haymaker gets the leverage to flip it on its bad side, and being unable to self right, Layziee is immobilized. Layziee wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; Haymaker gets 1 TKO.
Iron Spaghetti vs. BrasOuvert
By now, we pretty much know what to expect when BrasOuvert fights a bot with horizontally-oriented weapons: a long, mostly dull fight that often takes the full 3 minutes and comes down to points. It isn't surprising to see the same pattern in this fight. What IS surprising is the result. For one thing, BrasOuvert loses its front hammers for the first time in the tournament. That alone is enough to earn high honors for Iron Spaghetti. But then, even after Iron Spaghetti loses several of its spikes, Mauler dances, and barrel-rolls harmlessly around the arena for the rest of the fight, it still accumulates enough points in the beginning to beat out BrasOuvert in the final score for the first fight. The second fight goes to BrasOuvert, despite having lost a wheel, as the unbalanced Iron Spaghetti rolls into a corner and is unable to escape immobility. BrasOuvert really deserved to win the third fight--it took off both of Iron Spaghetti's wheels while it rolled around the arena, while BrasOuvert only lost a single hammer--but alas, it was not to be; Iron Spaghetti's relentless flailing racked up too many points in the first minute for BrasOuvert's lumbering pace to overcome. Iron Spaghetti wins 2-1 with 2 WBP; BrasOuvert gets 1 TKO.
With Layziee and Iron Spaghetti both winning their fights, they'll get another crack at each other in round 6. The two bots previously fought in round 1, with Layziee emerging the victor, though it was a close match. Will Iron Spaghetti be able to slake its thirst for revenge, or will it only drink shrapnel as Layziee defeats it a second time? It's not often bots get a second chance like this in BBEANS, so this will be a match to look forward to.
Red Tide VI vs. Smitemare 8
Once again, Red Tide is thoroughly out-wedged by its opponent, but this time, it's not quite fast enough to sneak around to Smitemare's side. When it tries, Smitemare just pops off its wheels and launches them across the arena like Nerf frisbees. Lacking wheels, Red Tide is little more than a harmless soup can for Smitemare to kick. Red Tide is dominated for 90% of the match, only redeeming itself in the last minute of the third fight, when it finally gets under Smitemare and is able to bring its drum to bear. Unfortunately, Red Tide is so crippled by this point that it can't move fast enough to escape being counted out. Smitemare 8 wins 3-0 with 1 KO and 2 TKO's.
Red, Red, Green? vs. Go Barbie, Go!
For the second tournament in a row, brother and sister Phlox and Barbie face off in the ultimate sibling rivalry. Last time, Phlox thoroughly stomped his sister with the unusual Volatile Partisan. Now he's going with a more conventional design, and it's Barbie's big chance to even the score, but... she ends up getting stomped even more thoroughly than before. For one thing, Go Barbie, Go! can't get under Red, Red, Green, and for another, RRG is much faster and more maneuverable than its opponent. On many occasions, RRG is able to simply bypass Barbie's wedges altogether and scoop her up from the side. A handful of solid chassis hits are enough to do Barbie in for good in all three fights. The overall Sibling Rivalry score: Phlox 2, Barbie 0. Red, Red, Green? wins 3-0 with 3 KO's.
--ROUND 4--
Haymaker vs. No Leaf Clover
Haymaker: SMACK! No Leaf Clover: Thank you sir, may I have another? Haymaker: SMACK! That's pretty much how most of this fight goes. No Leaf Clover's wedge and vertical spinner have the potential to destabilize Haymaker and send it out of the arena, but NLC has to ram Haymaker just right to do so, and it turns out that's somewhat difficult when NLC is busy practicing Basic Gymnastics 101. Sooner or later, Haymaker lands a hit on NLC's chassis, which cripples its drive so badly that it can't escape the immobility counter. While the first two rounds go to Haymaker hands-down, that changes in the third round as No Leaf Clover gets just the hit it needs. Haymaker is sent spinning out of control into the air, and although it manages to knock off NLC's weapon in the process, that doesn't count for much when Haymaker is stuck on the other side of the boundary wall. Haymaker wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; No Leaf Clover gets 1 TKO.
T4 vs. Iron Spaghetti
T4 gets two flips on Iron Spaghetti at the beginning of the first round. Compared to its performace in its previous two fights, those flips are pretty pitiful, but T4 had better enjoy it while it lasts--those two times are the only chance it gets to even fire its weapon in all three fights. T4's chassis is just too narrow and too easy for Iron Spaghetti to grab on to and brush aside before it is in any danger of being flipped. T4 certainly has the power to launch Iron Spaghetti over the wall... but in this fight, it's like trying to strike a gopher with a lightning bolt. Iron Spaghetti wins 3-0 with 3 KO's.
Slasher vs. Red Tide VI
Slasher clearly has the superior wedge in this fight, getting under Red Tide again and again in the first round, never letting Red Tide so much as touch its chassis. After this quick, clean KO, the fight is looking pretty one-sided. But then Red Tide shows that wedginess isn't everything: speed and maneuverability are important factors too, even in an AI fight, and in this respect Red Tide far outstrips Slasher. After escaping Slasher's drum, Red Tide is able to sneak around to the sluggish Slasher's side, get under it, and grind it down after a good tour of the arena. Then in the third fight, Red Tide actually drives right over Slasher, turns around, and gets in its rear. Once on Red Tide's drum, the much less maneuverable Slasher has no way of escaping. Red Tide VI wins 2-1 with 2 KO's; Slasher gets 1 KO.
No Name #12 vs. Red, Red, Green?
Not much to say about this fight. The best No Name #12 can do is put up some token resistance as it is simultaneously tossed and destroyed in each fight. The final hit by Red, Red, Green? is a must see: RRG gets behind No Name on one side of the arena, pushes it to the other side at full speed while flipping it a few times, slams it into the wall, rips off BOTH of No Name's wheels in one hit, and leaves it standing upright on its hammer heads, utterly helpless. Play that one in slow motion! Red, Red, Green? wins 3-0 with 2 KO's and 1 TKO.
--ROUND 3--
Enfilad3 vs. BrasOuvert
BrasOuvert is nearly invincible against bots with only horizontal weapons, but sooner or later, the laws of probability dictate that it will run up against an opponent who can simply bypass that front armor and hit BrasOuvert's vulnerable top or bottom. That time is now, and BrasOuvert goes straight from being a brick wall to a punching bag in the space of one round. Enfilad3 easily destroys it in all three fights for a 3-0 win with 3 KO's.
Hazardous Contraption vs. Layziee
The first two rounds are over in a flash. Get under, boom, Layziee is dead. Get under, wham, Layziee is over the wall. The third round takes a bit longer, but Layziee still has no better luck and it's still a very short fight. Just before getting KO'd, Layziee pushes itself over the wall with its own weapon to deny Hazardous Contraption the KO. Hazardous Contraption wins 3-0 with 1 KO and 2 TKO's.
Go Barbie, Go! vs. Ham-mer Sandwich
The first fight is all about suspense. Ham-mer Sandwich carefully stalks Barbie around the arena like an assassin, staying on Barbie's flank, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. Not counting self-righting attempts, Ham-mer Sandwich only fires its weapon four times, and it only takes two hits to defeat Barbie. The second fight is much closer: the bots collide head-on, and Ham-mer Sandwich loses most of its weapon as it strikes Barbie's drills. But then Barbie somehow drives up Ham-mer Sandwich's plow and flips itself, exposing its flank. With only one razor tip left, Ham-mer Sandwich avoids Barbie's weapons and hits her underside for another KO. Barbie gets her revenge win in the third fight though. After taking off one of Ham-mer Sandwich's front skirts, it becomes much easier for Barbie to get under her opponent and avoid those hammers, and once under, it's not too hard to do enough damage for a KO. Ham-mer Sandwich wins 2-1 with 2 KO's; Go Barbie, Go! gets 1 KO.
Diarrhea Of A Madman vs. Smitemare 8
Smitemare gives DOAM a good run for its money in the first few seconds of the match, and even gives it some excellent airtime in the second round, but ultimately it proves a lot easier for DOAM to toss Smitemare than for Smitemare to toss DOAM. Diarrhea Of A Madman wins 3-0 with 3 TKO's.
Undercutter vs. Haymaker
With no slanted surfaces, Undercutter has no way to destabilize Haymaker and send it out of the arena. The fact that it's out-weaponed and under-powered doesn't help any either. Once its weapons are gone, those Perm axles effectively protect the chassis, but they also give Haymaker (or the center blade) the leverage necessary to flip Undercutter onto its back, where it can only helplessly await immobilization. Undercutter gets a lucky break in the second round when Haymaker bounces right onto the center blade and gets catapulted out of the arena, but its luck doesn't hold for the third round. Haymaker wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's.
No Leaf Clover vs. Psyco Sweeper
Psyco Sweeper is good at shoving No Leaf Clover around and keeping it tumbling, but with no active weapon it can't do much else, and sooner or later No Leaf Clover will self-right and get under Psyco Sweeper. Once that happens, it's all over for Psyco Sweeper. No Leaf Clover wins 3-0 with 2 KO's and 1 TKO.
T-4 vs. System Flailure
System Flailure can survive being launched by T-4 once, but twice is too much. T-4 secures its win right away in the first two rounds. But despite touching the ceiling on one occasion, System Flailure shows it isn't just a glorified Flip Test Dummy in the third round, after a hit from its flail effectively disables T-4's weapon and it comes down to a whittling project. T-4 wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; System Flailure gets 1 TKO.
Iron Spaghetti vs. T I T A N
Try as it might, T I T A N lacks both the speed to stop Iron Spaghetti's spinning and the firepower to destabilize it. It holds up for a long time under Iron Spaghetti's relentless flailing, but eventually is either KO'd or loses a tread. Iron Spaghetti wins 3-0 with 1 KO, 1 TKO, and 1 WBP.
Gohem vs. Slasher
Both bots have a hard time getting under the other, resulting in a rather long stalemate until someone eventually gains momentum. That's Gohem in the first round, beating up Slasher before flipping it and allowing it to be immobilized. The second round is a real shocker: Slasher maneuvers into Gohem's rear and pins it against the wall not just once, which warrants a free restart for Gohem, but twice! What are the odds of that? As if self-concious of its cheap victory, Slasher proves it has what it takes for a straightforward win in the last round, pushing Gohem into the wall and allowing the movement of Gohem's own weapon to flip it over. Slasher wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; Gohem gets 1 TKO.
ByeyE vs. Red Tide VI
Red Tide starts off strong in the first round, but each successive match gets a little closer than the last. Unfortunately for ByeyE, it never gets close enough for a win. ByeyE lacks the power to KO Red Tide once under it, and sooner or later Red Tide is going to get under ByeyE again. Red Tide wins 3-0 with 3 KO's.
Rage III vs. No Name #12
Rage III rams No Name with the force of a semi truck, but No Name is built like a tank. No Name hardly sustains a scratch before Rage is reduced to a harmless box zooming around. After this fruitless first round, Rage seems to say, "Aw, screw it! I can't win this!" and hurls itself over the arena wall in a fit of, well, rage. No Name #12 wins 3-0 with 1 KO and 2 TKO's.
Thumper vs. Red, Red, Green?
Just looking at it, it's easy to underestimate RRG's small spinners, but they pack a deceptively powerful punch. It's more than powerful enough to flip Thumper out of the arena in all three fights. Red, Red, Green? wins 3-0 with 3 TKO's.
--ROUND 2--
Red Red Green? vs. Enfilad3
Enfilad3 gets under Red Red Green right away in the first round, and it only takes a few hits for Enfilad to dispatch its opponent after that. The second round is a little closer - Red Red Green actually gets under Enfilad, but somehow bounces back out and flips over, allowing Enfilad to recover and KO RRG once again. Red Red Green finally gets it right in the last round, getting under Enfilad and then flipping it over the wall, but too late to make a difference in the overall outcome. Enfilad3 wins 2-1 with 2 KO's; Red Red Green? gets 1 TKO.
BrasOuvert vs. No Name #12
As Smoker learned in the last round, if you can't hit BrasOuvert's top or bottom and you're not fast enough to get around to its side, there's no way to get past all that armor in the front. No Name #12 does a little bit better than Smoker did - it takes off a few of those bars in the front and damages BrasOuvert's motors a good bit - but the fight still ends up being strikingly reminiscent of BrasOuvert's previous match. No Name #12 breaks itself on BrasOuvert's sledge hammers, and then it's a long wait while BrasOuvert slowly racks up points. BrasOuvert wins 3-0.
Hazardous Contraption vs. Red Tide VI
Not much to say about this fight: Hazardous Contraption can get under its opponent, and Red Tide can't. Hazardous Contraption must struggle for a bit to get past Red Tide's drum and hit the chassis, but there's nothing Red Tide can do to fight back while trapped on Hazardous Contraption's wedge. Hazardous Contraption wins 3-0 with 3 KO's.
Layziee vs. Slasher
There's a bit of a stalemate at the beginning as neither bot is able to get under and hit the other, but once somebody's weapon connects, it's over quickly. The first round goes to Layziee and the second to Slasher. Layziee gets under Slasher right away in the third round for a decisive KO. Layziee wins 2-1 with 2 KO's; Slasher gets 1 KO.
Go Barbie, Go! vs. T I T A N
Once Barbie gets under T I T A N and past the polycarbonate skirts, she makes short work of the chassis for a KO. Things don't go so smoothly for the second round, when T I T A N gets under Barbie and starts flipping it like a pancake. Barbie has several opportunities to recover, but all of them come to naught: two spiked clubs may not be a lot of weapon mass, but when every hit connects with Barbie's chassis, it's enough. The third round goes almost exactly like the first. Go Barbie, Go! wins 2-1 with 2 KO's; T I T A N gets 1 KO.
System Flailure vs. Ham-mer Sandwich 2
These bots are evenly matched in terms of power, speed, and wedginess, but Ham-mer Sandwich has one huge advantage over System Flailure: when System Flailure swings its flail, it's blocked by Ham-mer Sandwich's tough razor tips. But when Ham-mer Sandwich fires its hammers, there's nothing between it and System Flailure's chassis. System Flailure does well at flipping Ham-mer Sandwich and avoiding blows, but with no way of consistently striking back it's only a matter of time before Ham-mer Sandwich lands one more hit than System Flailure can take. Ham-mer Sandwich wins 3-0 with 3 KO's.
Diarrhea Of A Madman vs. Psyco Sweeper
The first two rounds are what you would expect from DOAM: Psyco Sweeper spends as much time tumbling in the air as on the ground before, inevitably, being flipped out of the arena. In the third round, though, after DOAM flips Psyco Sweeper into the blade, it drives away and mistakenly destabilizes itself, allowing Psyco Sweeper to get under DOAM and return the favor. A trip to the blade brings DOAM's damage levels to critical, after which Psyco Sweeper hangs DOAM face-down on the wall to dry. Diarrhea Of A Madman wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; Psyco Sweeper gets 1 TKO.
Haymaker vs. Smitemare 8
Try as it might, Smitemare 8 can't so much as touch the hurricane force that is Haymaker without being violently knocked away. Things are looking good for Haymaker - until its own speed betrays it. If one of Haymaker's wheels ever touches the wall, it flings itself up and, in the first two rounds, over the wall before it can get through Smitemare's front armor. The third round is looking grim for Haymaker as well after it gets tossed into the blade and immediately afterward tossed by Smitemare, bringing its control board into the yellow, but soon Smitemare loses a hammer and is unable to deliver the finishing blow. It is also unable to drive into Haymaker, though, denying Haymaker a KO. Smitemare 8 wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's.
Hostility II vs. Undercutter
Hostility II can't get past Undercutter's spinners, and Undercutter can't get past Hostility's plow, so it all comes down to who can get to the other bot's side more times. It's Undercutter for the first round, and although it doesn't have what it takes for a KO, it does disarm Hostility for an easy win by points. The second round goes to Hostility after it takes off both of Undercutter's wheels for a TKO. The third round is Undercutter again, but once again Undercutter can't manage a clean KO with that tough plow in the way. Undercutter wins 2-1; Hostility II gets 1 TKO.
Smoker vs. No Leaf Clover
No Leaf Clover really should have won the first round - it quickly takes off one of Smoker's wheels, but just as Smoker is about to be immobilized, the damaged No Leaf Clover climbs on top of Smoker's weapons and gets KO'd. Smoker is off to a good start, but then karma strikes in the second round, which Smoker really should have won but didn't. It climbs up No Leaf's wedge and rips off the whole weapon almost immediately, and then it should only be a matter of time before No Leaf is KO'd. But one of the maces protecting No Leaf's wheels gets pulled in to Smoker's weapon and completely jams it, rendering Smoker totally ineffectual against No Leaf Clover. Eventually, No Leaf pins Smoker against the wall, and with its battery almost drained, Smoker is counted out. The third round evens things out with a fair (although very close) fight: No Leaf Clover takes off one of Smoker's wheels again and only has to wait for it to be immobilized. But Smoker manages to take off No Leaf's weapon and wedge at the last second, getting it stuck on its front end. Both bots begin being counted out at almost the exact same time, and you can't tell who's going to win until "IMMOBILIZED" at last appears over Smoker's name. No Leaf Clover wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; Smoker gets 1 KO.
T-4 vs. Interventionism 2.0
After losing horribly in its first fight, T-4 finally gets to do what it was designed to do: it doesn't take more than two flips for Interventionism to fly out of the arena in the first two rounds. Interventionism gets under T-4 and lands a few hits in the third round, but it can't do enough damage before T-4 gets another chance for a flip, and this time Interventionism goes flying again. T-4 wins 3-0 with 3 TKO's.
Iron Spaghetti vs. FIRST ROUND FINALE!
For a bot with basically no weapon, FIRST ROUND FINALE does remarkably well against Iron Spaghetti. The arena wall proves to be a bigger threat than Iron Spaghetti: when FRF rams it too hard, its springy front skirts send it flipping over and out. FRF loses this way in the first and third rounds, only getting Iron Spaghetti over the wall in the second round. Iron Spaghetti wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; FIRST ROUND FINALE! gets 1 TKO.
Gohem vs. Mace 2
Gohem can easily get under Mace, and tears up its backside for a KO in the first round. Gohem loses a hammer and one of its front supports in the second round, leaving Mace to run low on battery and be immobilized. This happens again in the third round, and although Mace isn't ever immobilized, Gohem has enough points for a win. Gohem wins 3-0 with 1 KO and 1 TKO.
ByeyE vs. ThunderStruck!
ByeyE can effortlessly stop ThunderStruck from spinning, but actually doing significant damage to it is quite a bit harder. The result is a strategic, if long and boring, win by points first for ThunderStruck, then for ByeyE in the last two rounds. ByeyE wins 2-1.
Ripterra vs. Rage III
Rage III rams Ripterra before Ripterra can even leave its starting position, and hits it so hard that Rage rears up and tips Ripterra right over the wall. Rage repeats the feat in the second round, but can't quite manage it in the third. It hits Ripterra just a couple more times before a bad move sends it sliding along the top of the arena wall and eventually over it. Rage III wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; Ripterra gets 1 TKO.
NOS-BOT vs. Thumper
If either bot's weapon spun in the opposite direction, things would have gone very differently. As it is, NOS-BOT's weapon always connects with Thumper's weapon on the downward-spinning side, making it nigh impossible to lift it up and hit Thumper's chassis. And once one of NOS-BOT's side skirts falls off, it's Thumper that's getting under NOS-BOT. It's a slow-moving fight, but also a very one-sided one for Thumper. Thumper wins 3-0 with 3 KO's.
--ROUND 1--
Red Red Green? vs. Hostility II
The first round is over almost as soon as it begins. Red Red Green gets under Hostility, drives it to the wall, and flips it over for a TKO. In the second round, Hostility is the first bot to get under the other, and beats up Red Red Green's chassis a good bit before Red escapes. Red Red Green proceeds to teach Hostility some basic gymnastics, but it is unable to get its opponent to the wall again. After a couple minutes of fighting, that damage Red took early in the match begins to show, and as it loses steam Hostility slowly gains the advantage. With 7 seconds left on the clock, Hostility manages to win by KO. The third round goes much as the first did, just with a bit more showmanship by Red Red Green: it tosses a wheel like a discus and sets Hostility on fire before tipping it over the wall for another TKO. Red Red Green? wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; Hostility II gets 1 KO.
Undercutter vs. Enfilad3
There's not much to say about this fight. Once Enfilad gets under its opponent, Undercutter is helpless until its armor succumbs to repeated hits from Enfilad's popup weapons--"repeated" here meaning about a handful. Undercutter manages to nick Enfilad's side a little bit in the third match, but that's the best it can do. Enfilad3 wins 3-0 with 3 KO's.
Smoker vs. BrasOuvert
Those huge wheels on BrasOuvert are very tantalizing targets for Smoker's undercutting weapons... the only problem is that they're too well protected by BrasOuvert's ground-scraping sledgehammers for Smoker to reach. In each fight, Smoker valiantly charges BrasOuvert with weapons whirling, but ends up breaking against it like a wave on weathered rocks. And like the weathered rock that it metaphorically represents, BrasOuvert doesn't have much offensive might for all its durability. Once Smoker loses all its weapons, it's a long wait for the clock to tick down... yawn. BrasOuvert wins 3-0 with 1 TKO.
No Leaf Clover vs. No Name #12
No Name #12 is slow, but that weapon packs a powerful punch. It's enough to set No Leaf Clover a-tumbling in the first round, where its weapon motor is an easy target. NLC's wedge proves more difficult to remove, however, and after a yawner of a fight the best No Name can manage is a win by points. NLC manages to deal some heavy damage to No Name's chassis in the second round, but can't finish the job before No Name boosts itself up NLC's wedge and pushes off the weapon. No Name isn't so lucky in the third round, though. NLC gets behind No Name again, but this time makes sure to destroy it. No Name #12 wins 2-1; No Leaf Clover gets 1 KO.
T-4 vs. Hazardous Contraption
This all comes down to who can get under the other bot first. In all 3 matches, Hazardous Contraption proves to have the better wedge. In addition, it's fast enough to keep T-4 trapped on the spinners until it is destroyed, denying it any opportunity to self-right for a second chance. Hazardous Contraption wins 3-0 with 3 KO's.
Red Tide VI vs. Interventionism 2.0
"Stalemate" is the word that first comes to mind to describe this fight. Red Tide can get under Interventionism, but Interventionism's skirts are so wide and shallow that they never contact Red Tide's drum, resulting in a lot of pointless tug-of-war. When Interventionism gets under Red Tide, the weapon isn't nearly powerful enough to do any significant damage, and Red Tide is usually able to drive off and escape. Things get a little more interesting when Red Tide flips itself over from ramming Interventionism too hard... but of course that's relative to the rest of the match. In the first round, Red Tide stays upright for most of the match, only flipping near the end after Interventionism has already lost its iron spikes, and wins by points. In the second round, Red Tide flips over much nearer to the beginning, and Interventionism is able to whack it enough times to pull ahead in points, despite Red Tide making a late recovery. The third round starts much like the first, but just when you're starting to yawn, you see sparks. What was that? Red Tide hit Interventionism? Yes, and once the drum actually contacts Interventionism's skirts, Red Tide does what it was designed to do: hold its opponent on the drum and grind it into hamburger. Red Tide wins 2-1 with 1 KO.
Layziee vs. Iron Spaghetti
After Layziee toys with Iron Spaghetti for a few seconds in the first round, it tosses it over the wall for a TKO. Layziee knocks Iron Spaghetti around a good bit in the second round too, but just as it starts to look like Iron Spaghetti has no chance, Layziee's weapon falls off. That tough plow in front keeps Layziee alive for the rest of the fight, but it also feeds Iron Spaghetti enough points to win. Layziee flips Iron Spaghetti over the wall again in the third round, just with a bit of flames to liven things up. Layziee wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; Iron Spaghetti gets 1 KO.
Slasher vs. FIRST ROUND FINALE!
To be honest, I wasn't expecting much from FRF, but this fight could easily have gone either way. FRF packs a lot of power under its deceptively simple exterior. In the first round, FRF slams Slasher against the wall hard enough to flip it, but once Slasher gets flipped back over and FRF tries to slam it again, it flies off Slasher's drum like a ramp, right at the camera and out of the arena. FRF dispenses with all that extra stuff in the second fight at cuts right to the chase, launching itself off Slasher's drum in the first few seconds of the match. The third fight is over just as quickly as the second, but this time it's Slasher that takes the ride over the wall. Slasher wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; FIRST ROUND FINALE! gets 1 TKO.
Go Barbie, Go! vs. Gohem
This fight reminded me of Shebeast vs. Mako from BBEANS2. Except this time, it's much more one-sided in favor of Shebeast. Shebeast... er, Barbie has no trouble getting under Gohem's front skirts, and once under the skirts it's a short trip to the chassis. Barbie KO's Gohem in the first round after removing one of its fragile polycarbonate skirts. It gets a TKO in the second round by slamming Gohem into the wall and letting the momentum of Gohem's own weapon carry it over. The third round ends like the first, but this time Barbie breaks off both of Gohem's front supports before the KO. Go Barbie, Go! wins 3-0 with 2 KO's and 1 TKO.
Mace 2 vs. T I T A N
T I T A N rolls Mace across the arena too many times to count, but it will take more than just two spiked clubs to KO the well-armored Mace. T I T A N loses its weapon in all three fights, leaving Mace free to beat on it without fear of retaliation, but ultimately Mace's lack of speed proves to be its downfall. It's not powerful enough to KO T I T A N, but not fast enough to escape the immobility counter once the clock winds down. Mace manages to remove one of T I T A N's treads in the first round for a TKO (after barely escaping being counted out). It has no such luck in the next two fights, though: first its own weapons clamp onto a tread and hold it immobile as surely as if it were upside-down. Then it simply appears to run out of power in the third round, and can't even drive an inch in any direction. T I T A N wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; Mace 2 gets 1 TKO.
(Because Mace's battery life is less than half when it is counted out, it doesn't get a free restart. After seeing round 2 of this fight, I'm inclined to change that for the next BBEANS--I really think Mace 2 should have won this one. But for now I have to stick with it.)
System Flailure vs. ByeyE
This fight is as long as some of the other yawners, but it's all action throughout. All three matches are an intense back-and-forth as ByeyE gets under System Flailure, System Flailure flips, System Flailure self-rights, System Flailure hammers/flips ByeyE. Lather, rinse, repeat. In the first round, ByeyE manages to get System Flailure leaning up against the wall where it can't move, and not a moment too soon: as soon as System Flailure is immobilized, ByeyE's entire weapon assembly breaks off. ByeyE spends a lot of time underneath System Flailure in the second round, but two things are working in System Flailure's favor: one, ByeyE lacks a lot of KO'ing power, and two, System Flailure can still hit ByeyE. Several good hits to the top and ByeyE is done for. System Flailure spends more time on the ground in the third round and ByeyE more time upside-down, which doesn't bode well for ByeyE. After destroying the base extender of ByeyE's entire front half, it only takes a few hits for System Flailure to finish ByeyE. System Flailure wins 2-1 with 2 KO's; ByeyE gets 1 TKO.
Ham-mer Sandwich 2 vs. ThunderStruck!
Now THIS is a fight. Ham-mer Sandwich takes off one or a few of ThunderStruck's side panels with almost every fall of the hammers, but does that deter ThunderStruck? No, it keeps on spinning, and although Ham-mer Sandwich eventually KO's ThunderStruck in every fight, it's not without a serious struggle. By the end of the second round, both bots are ready for the scrap heap, Ham-mer Sandwich only slightly less so than ThunderStruck. Ham-mer Sandwich 2 wins 3-0 with 3 KO's.
Diarrhea Of A Madman vs. Ripterra
I already knew that Ripterra was going to get owned even before I started up RA2. So imagine my surprise when Ripterra sneaks around to DOAM's side in the first round and tears up its chassis like tinfoil! Suddenly things are looking dire for DOAM. The second round goes more like I initially expected: DOAM punts Ripterra across the arena like a steel football, violently removing its disc weapons in the process, and soon sends it out of the arena. In the third round, there is one tense moment when Ripterra is chewing at the side of DOAM's front skirt, trying to get around to the juicy chassis, but Ripterra's hopes are dashed as DOAM manages to maneuver its weapon into position once more and Ripterra becomes a football again. After balancing on the wall two times and driving back into the arena, Ripterra is finally punted out on the third time. Diarrhea Of A Madman wins 2-1 with 2 TKO's; Ripterra gets 1 KO.
Rage III vs. Psyco Sweeper
Psyco Sweeper wouldn't be called "tough" in most people's books, but for Rage III it's a nightmare. Well-armored, wedgy, and flat are all characteristics that don't bode well for a fast rammer, especially in an arena with low walls. In the first round, Rage III actually gets under Psyco Sweeper, but the force of the impact pushes back its springy wedge so much that when it snaps back, Rage III goes flying almost to the ceiling, and then out of the arena. In the second round, Rage more just flies off of Psyco Sweeper like a ramp. The third round is almost a move-for-move replica of the second one, so much so that if it wasn't for the slightly different camera work I would think I accidentally used the same footage twice. Psyco Sweeper wins 3-0 with 3 TKO's.
Haymaker vs. NOS-BOT
NOS-BOT, with its relatively slow speed and broad, flat sides, is basically fodder for Haymaker. But does Haymaker grant it a quick, painless death? No, it has to draw things out as long as possible, slowly disassembling NOS-BOT piece by piece until just a wheeled chassis is left. I must admit though, it makes for an entertaining fight, especially once the walls around the blade come down... Haymaker wins 3-0 with 2 KO's.
Smitemare 8 vs. Thumper
Smitemare can't win a war of attrition with Thumper, so its only hope is to flip Thumper. Things look bad in the first fight after Smitemare loses a hammer and starts flopping like a beached fish, but somehow it manages to get Thumper on its back and wait for it to be counted out. The second round is more decisive, because when Smitemare flips Thumper this time, it's out of the arena. And the third round is the most decisive yet, as Smitemare manages to KO Thumper while its soft underbelly is exposed. In the end Smitemare wins by every way possible: KO, elimination, and immobilization.
