My life during the last month.

[BDBlu]

I made a post regarding my entrance that I will reskin my bot, but lost complete focus.  The reason is I'm going through some major emotional event.

I moved in with my girlfriend (her favorite robot was Razor Guy which she called a Christmas Tree Bot, and she rooted for RG in Robogame) last October and we have been living together happily for few months before her drugs got in the way.  She had been huffing air dusters, and had been for more than 8 years as her mom told me.  This leads to few arguments and few frustrating moments.  It wasn't long before her habit got worse and worse.  It gotten to the point that I gave up on her, and didn't bother trying to talk her out of it.  Last January, We missed rent and it caused stress for her.  I found out she stole money from the rent pile to pay for Uber to Walmart for, you guessed it, more air dusters, and I told her that I'll move out if we missed rent.  When I found out that I got angry and yelled at her and told her I'm done with our relationship and I'm moving out.  I grabbed my expensive stuff and move back in with my mom.  This was 3 nights before I found her.  The next night I checked my bank statement and saw more charges for Lyft, and of course, I got even angrier.  I stormed back to the apartment and yelled at her and grab more stuff and left.  The next day, I went to work, planning on getting the rest of my stuff and be out of her life.  As soon as I got off and started heading back to the apartment, I had a change of heart.  I wanted to sit down and talked with her and apologize for my action.  I went back the apartment, knocked on the door.  No response.  I texted her.  No response.  I'm trying to see through the window which is connected to the bedroom.  Barely see anything.  Our cat was freaking out and pulled down the blinder and I got full view of her... frozen... half covered by blanket.  I immediately called the police, they came in, busted down the door and checked on her.  She already passed.  The night before Valentine's Day.  She overdosed.

For a long time, I blamed myself and kicking myself.  I was so down on myself to the point that I've been thinking about suicide, because I cannot live with a guilt.  I cannot shake off the fact that it was her blood on my hands.  She made a choice, a choice she wouldn't make.  I blamed myself because I felt like I made that choice for her.  I stressed her out so much that she was driven to overdose herself.  It was a terrible thinking, but I can't shake it off.  I'm going through a major emotional even and I'm trying to move on from it.  This sucked.  My life sucked.  And I'm trying to shake those thoughts out of my head.

[Dadddjent]

its gonna be alright man, just keep ur head up and remember the good sh**, grow from this for you and her....ive been through ods n failed suicides myself, theres light...theres love man. its not at all easy, but talk to people, theres random people that care. if u need som random to vent to, dont be afraid to dm me man...i gotchu

[Fracture]

It must have been difficult to recall something like this and type it out in a forum post; I hope sharing has helped you feel a bit better about what you're going through.

I think we all know that life isn't always fair, right, or justified, and everyone has been in a terrible situation where they felt truly abandoned by fate. I believe that you'll be able to find your own way to deal with it all, just like any person has to do when they find themselves in hard times. To me, she didn't sound like the right kind of person to make up one-half of a relationship, but if you truly care about someone, you'll be able to look past the flaws that others won't understand. Maybe if you had overcome your frustrations and really tried to help her, she would have lived through that night and you'd still be together. Maybe she was just too far gone and no matter what you did, the outcome would eventually have been the same. In the end, you can never know how things might have turned out, no matter how many late nights you spend thinking about it. Even if you did know, you can't go back and change what's already passed, so all you've got left is to accept everything in your own way and use it to become a stronger person. The world keeps on turning, life goes on, and your experience will reshape who you are for future years to come. So goes the story of life.

[Jaydee99]

sh** man thats awful
Hope life treats you better dude

[Hoppin]

I am so sorry for you loss and I wish you the best when moving forward in the future. It must have been heartbreaking writing this post alone, if you ever need some support feel free to come talk with anyone, I'm sure we'll happily led you any amount of our time.

You're not a fault in any shape or form I can assure you.

[Jammy Dodger]

I'm extremely sorry to hear about this, it's not your fault that this has happened to you, just try and stay strong, if not you then for everyone else, we're all here for you and we're here to help ^^

[doot]

Jesus christ, that's terrible to hear. I'm really sorry that that has happened to you and I seriously hope you're able to get better soon. Just know that if nothing else, we've got your back.

[Mystic2000]

well.... that's pretty horrible to hear, but listen dear sir, this stuff, despite what you think, wasn't your fault okay ? don't destroy yourself feeling guilty over something that you're not responsible for, stay strong and don't break, keep going forward and light will shine again thought the darkness you're currently travelling into, and remember, we're all here for you if moral support is required, so to quote Undertale: stay determined

[evil toaster]

Wow.... uh. I’m truely sorry for what happened. I know what it feels like to have money stolen for drugs. I hope things do get better, almost anything else happening right now would be better.

[cephalopod]

Hey man.
Please, just remember, you're not alone. And you never will be. Other people have gone through similar, and I'm 100% you have your own support network additionally. If coming here and using the forum as a diary helps, then do it. We're all behind you. Many of us here have been through some serious rough times and it's no secret I'm one of them.
Things will get better. Things will improve. It just takes time.
Take care dude. Be safe.

[kix]

Ah dude so sorry for your loss.
You might feel awful atm, but believe me, things will get better. The worst thing you can do now is blame yourself.
Take a rest, and try to feel better, it will greatly help you.

[RpJk]

My deepest condolences of what happened to you. I can't imagine the feeling of what you're going through.

Short story but hopefully relevant. A few months back I went to America and there I had a life changing conversation with someone. In short it was about stop thinking about only yourself and your own problems, try and help out others.

However there was one part that really changed me. The person said this;

"Remember this, everyone has got their own demons.
Some will speak about it and some won't.
This is the important bit.
The moment they ask for your ear or your help though, you must and you must help them all you can.
You can help be that persons pillar of support"

Now I haven't had something like that happen to me personally but I have been the role of being someones pillar of support who has experienced something like this.
You made a good choice to open your voice here. You asked us to lend our ears and on an online forum like this I think it's very brave of you. As a forum we'll lend as many ears and voices to help you get over this troubled time of your life.

And personally as a stranger to another all I can say is this; sadly not even a god can turn back time but you can live on not only for yourself, but for her as well. Going down that road of dark thoughts is dangerous, that is learning from having went down it.

There is always a dawn at the end of the night. Once the dawn breaks you'll have become a stronger person like what Fracture has said.
Don't let the demons overcome you.

And if you need the forum to listen, we'll lend our ears.

[BDBlu]

Thanks everyone.  It was a pretty s****y things to go through. 

Maybe if you had overcome your frustrations and really tried to help her, she would have lived through that night and you'd still be together.

  That had been bouncing around my head for the past few days.  Every time she asked me for help, my selfishness prevented me.  There were a time period where we were completely happy.

This was when she took me to Disney on my 27th birthday, the first time I went to Disney and I live about an hour away from it.  Depression hit me that morning, but we were able to overcome it and went out to have a blast.  She does put up her half of the relationship (she is an amazing cook), it was my selfishness that neglected it.  After realized it at some point, it was too late as she was already back in the drug deeper than before.  If I just calm myself and think it through, she could be alive, and we could've been back on track once we established on how to get ourselves treated.  Now, it was too late.  I'll be gone for a week on a trip to the other side of the US and clear my head and move on.  Her funeral is 18 hours from now and I don't know how I'll be able to handle it.  I was the last person she talked to and it wasn't a pleasurable one.  Still kicking my own ass.

[WeN]

good luck man

I hope you are safe

[NeonCalypso]

I feel bad for your mother, Stay strong my dude, there will be a rainbow after the storm.

[8bean]

There are no words I can come up with to tell you how sorry I am. Just always know that we are here for you and that you 're in our thoughts man.

[Enigm@]

hey man i know what its like to be in the sh**ter i dont want to spill my whole lifestory here since ive done it a million times but if you need someone to talk to hit me up in a pm or discord see ya

[[cringey name goes here]]

I'm so sorry. Hopefully, things will be great in the future, and depressing moments like this won't feel so difficult.